The 14th of July 2003 – Greenwood, Mississippi

(found in the cavity left in the chest)

Margaret,

My hands are cracked. My hair is thinning.

Oh, the world. Oh, this world. With the sunlight streaming through the branches of trees and the clouds floating in the night sky, blocking beams of moonlight.

I have seen it. I have seen it and lost. I achieved peace and eternal mundanity.

There is nothing to reach for. Nothing to gain. There is a dim lightbulb hanging in front of an old picture frame.

I feel my heartbeat slowing. I feel my fingernails growing. A boat on the river keeps rowing and rowing. But it goes nowhere. But it is pushed backwards by a too-strong current.

Too strong. It is all too strong. The boat will never go forward. The boat will never go. I wonder why.

Then I look up into the sky and see the sunset. Because for all the heartbreak, for all the sadness, for all that is eternally and forever missing, forever gone and never to be found, there is this sunset.

To describe it would be to fail its beauty. But I feel my heartbeat quicken at the sight. Pinks and yellows, soft tangerine oranges piercing through the white of clouds. Pastels blurring and fading and bouncing around. I feel my heartbeat quicken. I am still alive, I realize.

So row the rowboat. There is no goal. There is, however, a silent shoal hidden around the bend where loveless ones hide to mend their hearts. But backwards or forwards doesn’t matter much. I looked to the sky and felt more than I could have ever imagined.

Oh, this world. Sometimes I wonder what it’s for. Sometimes I feel as if I could be certain in saying “Everything.” Other days, “Nothing.”

Oh, this world.

-Dacy

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