The 8th of September 2007 – Monterrey Bay, California

(found by the docks and splashed with some angry sea foam)

No, Julie.

I get it. I understand completely, totally, one hundred percent. I’m your guy, and I get it.

I’m Mr. Compliant, Mr. I’ll Be There For You, and that’s what I am whenever, wherever and however you need me.

You need a shoulder to cry on? Mine’s free.

You need a pair of lonely eyes to search into? I’ve got them right here.

You need a hand to hold onto, one that you worry might be a little cold and clammy and attached to a greater, sicklier being? Well, put it there, partner.

Project anything you need to see onto me, as I am that special, clear bit of glass that can act as a mirror and show you exactly what you’ve always desired. Or maybe, just maybe – or just hopefully maybe – there’s some perceptive person out there who can see right through me.

But that’s no matter.

Make me the lonely, lost soul that’s tied up in the bushes and twisting in the wind, and I’ll be that, mold myself into that.

You need a puzzle? You need an enigma to ponder over? I’ll play the aloof cat that only comes out at feeding time.

You need something to worry about? You need a distraction from the decay of your own being? I’ll blurt something out, simple and easy, about death and dying and the decay of your own being.

You need a joke? You need something to laugh about until you cry just enough to blur the edges of your vision? Well, here, give me a moment to get my clown makeup, to remold this frown into a smile just as tragic, and let me tell a few jokes.

It’s not too hard, Julie. Not hard at all. I’ve been acting, don’t you know, playing a part this whole time. This whole entire time, and it’s just to make it easier for you, just to keep you from realizing that, deep down, I really do hate you

So I can keep it up. I can cycle through the charades and flick through the facades and give you a nice and tidy representation of myself. Just make sure I don’t slip up. Just make sure that, whenever you realize an inconsistency in my own self, just make sure that you let me know.

Because, of course, you know best. You know me best. You need to know me best.

Best,

Killan

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