The 21st of September 1997 – Santa Barbara, California

(found crumpled and in a trash can, adorned with a rather crude drawing of a penis)

Dear Students,

As President of this great community, I am writing – in abject horror I must emphasize – to denounce a recent practice that has pervaded throughout our university.

It has recently come to my attention that streaking naked through campus and its surrounding streets has caught the fancy of you all. Now, this fact has only come to my attention after fielding a few embarrassing phone calls from furious neighbors to the university, after a tense meeting with the city police chief and after donating a pretty expensive vacation package to an unfortunate member of campus security, who tripped and fell during a sweaty chase and ended up getting a face full of one of our student body member’s members.

I’d rather not bore you with moral assertions. Whatever, who cares? Naked bodies, shmaked bodies, right? We’ve all been thoroughly convinced of our own beauty, and we’ve further come to a society-wide understanding that the illusion of perfection-in-all-shapes-and-sizes ought not be censored, if not overtly celebrated.

Although my secretary has reminded me to remind you all that public nudity tends to be frowned upon by greater society and is also – oh by the way – illegal.

But I will climb onto my soapbox for a different reason. With what I say, do what you will. Take it to heart, or tack me up beside the many thousands of false prophets of conservative tradition and harbingers of doom who’ve dotted history. Students, I fail to see what is so enticing about partaking in this behavior. Perhaps, I – old and with childhood long forgotten – just misunderstand the younger generation. Nonetheless, let me pose to you all a simple question.

Are we so bored with our existence that this is what we have to do in order to have fun?

Do we really need an indulgence in some artificial taboo, some trumped up, risqué nonsense in order to enjoy ourselves? Is that all that is left for us to do, us who crave for a thrill?

What terrible thing has happened to us that we can no longer see the joy inherent in the world?

Your Leader,

Dwayne B. Altman


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