The 8th of February 1987 – Carlsbad, New Mexico

(found adorned with thorns from a rose)

I do hope that this does not come as too much of a shock to you. I am writing simply to terminate our relationship. I wish no offense.

Hopefully this does not surprise you, but if it does, it is perhaps all the more indicative that the two of us are entirely incompatible. We see things differently and might be – therefore – almost irreconcilably different.

I find the matter to be clear and plain. We were only involved with each other due to circumstance, geography and the like. I doubt we have any actual overlapping interests or passions. In fact, I am certain that we don’t, otherwise I would have expected to have uncovered one or two over the past years.

You can argue with me, as others have attempted in the past, and you can try to convince me that we were connected somehow, attracted. I mean, gosh, I was so nice to you, so deferential and compassionate. Does all that mean nothing?

Of course, is my reply. Of course it all means nothing. With only the slightest twinge of regret, I would like to inform you that I was deliberately misrepresenting myself during much of our time together. Perhaps unlike you, I was aware of the circumstances and the pressures that had pushed us together. Until I was no longer obligated to be around you, I wished to remain on amicable terms, so that explains that.

I doubt if you remember, as your awareness seems limited inherently, but there were moments when I was honest with you. These, I am sure, you regard, or at least brushed aside, as being aberrations, anomalies and the like, rather than representative of my actual being.

Again, I would like to inform you that, in actuality, those were moments of complete honesty. Only I noticed how you sneered and worried, I noticed how uncomfortable you had become due to my sentiments and my attempts to be myself, so I swept them under a mask of false sincerity. And I can feel you sneering now, by the way. While writing this right now, I cannot shake the image of your eyes, white and peering through the back of your own skull, and it just makes me shudder.

Oh, I am so thankful to end this deceit. I am so happy to end this once and for all.

Best wishes and have a good life,

Ulrich Johansson

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