The 13th of June 1929 – Hometown, Pennsylvania

(found in an empty cradle)

For Marie,

Please don’t be mad at me. I’m sorry. Honest, I am. So please don’t be mad. But let me explain. I want to try to explain.

All I was trying to say is that nobody is anything. People aren’t just people. But don’t take offense. We aren’t any thing. We aren’t nothing. We are everything. We are every goddamned thing. That’s what I meant. I know I didn’t say it that way, but that’s what I meant. I’m nothing. You’re nothing. That’s it: nothing. But that nothing is everything.

We are universes. That’s what buzzes around in our minds: entire worlds filled with dreams and hopes and problems and solutions. We aren’t just beings. We aren’t just collections of beliefs and identities and orientations. We are universes, each their own.

My body, your body, everybody’s body is just a vessel for this energy, just a physical representation of the universes our minds contain. And these bodies are unique, and these bodies are separate.

But they intersect, these bodies and the energies they contain. Thank god they intersect, these universes in our minds.

I know you hate when I get personal, but I need to, just for this demonstration. You see, I have trouble touching people. I have trouble even being around them. Because – even though we look so similar, even though we should be so similar and even though we really are the same – I just feel so damn different. See these universes give off energy. They’re that powerful. That’s what our minds do. They buzz and vibrate and hum and we know, just by being next to someone, what they are. We can feel it. We can hear it.

And sometimes it just doesn’t feel right – most of the time, if you’re someone like me. Most of the time your mind is humming one note and the other person is just off key and it doesn’t feel right. I mean, I walk into a room sometimes and everyone just looks at me. They look at me like I’m some sort of monster. They hear it. I can hear it, and it sounds like cats being run through a woodchipper. I’m just out of tune.

And other times, rarely, you’re close, you’re in harmony and something beautiful can happen.

But – oh I don’t want to think about it – but sometimes, you find yourself buzzing along with somebody in perfect unison. And then it’s just…

See then it’s all about this energy. It’s all about that moment and what that moment contains. But it isn’t. It has nothing to do with what’s real. It has everything to do with what we can convince ourselves. Whether or not it really happened is irrelevant, this intersection, this harmony, this melody. Whether or not you believe it is all that matters.

I believed it. I know that’s not the point of this, but I really did. It was only for a second, but I really did.

So please don’t be mad at me. I didn’t mean nothing by it. I just

I’m sorry.

Fred

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