The 30th of March 2007 – College Park, Maryland

(found in her trash can)


You gotta understand. You gotta understand what kind of person I am. You gotta understand how rare this is.

I told you last time that it was the last time, but I still don’t get it. So this is the last time, at least until next time.

I think you’re special, Gloria. You gotta understand. I think you’re worth it. I think I can rescue you from them and drag you down to my level. I want to show you things, down here in my hole. I want to share things with you, and you gotta understand that I don’t usually want to do that.

I hate this, Gloria. You have to understand. I hate this.

That’s been my life, just getting pushed around in different directions by everybody. Do this and do that, do this and do that. And all the while I just have this little feeling in my gut and I never understood it. This – this hesitance. It’s all I ever knew. All I ever knew about myself was what I didn’t want.

You gotta understand, and I don’t think it’s too big a deal for me to say, but you gotta know that all I want right now, what I want for the first time, is you, any part, for any amount of time. You.

You know what I just did? Because I want to tell you. I thought I saw you walking ahead of me, so I started sprinting just to catch up. I thought I heard your voice and, before I realized it was just an echo in my head, I felt that my heart had already beat out of my chest. That’s what you do to me. That’s your power. You gotta understand that that’s your power, and that’s my weakness.

But, see, now you’re just another one of those people trying to push me around. Do this and go away. And that feeling’s coming back. That feeling’s right back where it belongs. I don’t want to. You gotta understand that I just don’t want to.

I just don’t want to. But I guess maybe you do. Maybe you definitely do. Maybe you should.

But there’s one last thing I just wanna know, Gloria. I have to ask if you think I hate you. Cuz I don’t, but I can’t tell. Or are you just trying to hate me?

I just don’t understand.



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